So this weekend, Gman decided (for me) that it was time I stopped being (what some assume) selfish and cheer up...I realise that most of the advice that I should cheer up for the sake of the bub to arrive does come from a 'good place' and not because my collegial and family/friend's network are tired of my moaning. But it has been a difficult time of my life...its ironic that when people ask me if Ive been having a good pregnancy I am in two minds of how to respond (OK this usually comes later in the conversation...their first observation is "Are You Sure"? and Im like well if Im not then that is some massive 'fraud operation' the Melbourne medical establishment is stringing me through. Of course they quickly compose themselves and remark "Oh its just that you dont look XYZ months" and Ive taken to responding to this by "The baby is South Asian and the first thing we do is "thoda adjust kartey hain in cramped quarters", as it is Im not a very large person so perhaps the baby is reducing the growth spurt and contorting itself into a human pretzel to fit in ...khair)...Ok so coming to how "good" things have or have not been for me...not that my part of the world was any time on the shortlist for a place to search for Nirvana and/or your inner Zen, but somehow in the last year I feel that my life and my compatriots has been spiraling out of control.
I realized that it was some time this year when I returned to Melbourne in tears as BB and the cities I have known lay dying....and as the months passed the evil amongst us drew on a never ending reservoir of hate to wreck havoc upon all that we have have loved and held dear. The other day a friend gently reminded me of how I shouldn't find it unfair (the general disappearing of all the markers of my life)as our grandparents and their generation feel a similar nostalgia of all things past..and I tried to explain that perhaps at that age you have the 'emotional vocabulary' to express that, process that. I don't. And it is becoming increasingly difficult for me to summon up the energy to spin fairy tales and happily ever-afters and fantasies for the new audience that will be here soon.
But I am trying...and I will as Jammie advises me try to 'bubble' my existence..the other day someone said that the temperament I have right now, right here, is what the bub will inherit and couldn't I be less morose and I was left questioning whether any future progeny should be the Ha Ha Hee Hee type or someone who has some empathy...I know I have to find a balance, and pretty soon.
Anyways Gman said that at this stage, other than my usual rants and raves and the op/eds I try to churn Is There Anything My Funk Can Achieve. And though he realises that its tough for me to process the "accusatory" tones in the email fwds I get, and the content of the media, it is equally tough for him to wrestle with mortgage decisions and job deadlines and housework while I go through my private demons. So well this Saturday we both vowed to 'get on'...and well through a private ritual of consuming "cutting chai" and my attempt at a Bombay sandwich, we attempted to do just that.
The housing crisis is still there but we are trying to get a handle on it...next 'real life challenge' is thinking of a name for the site under construction...I dont know what we are having (but everyone else does...long story)...at this stage Ive more or less reconciled to it being a boy (this as my mother and everyone else knowing how gung ho I was on daughters and my emphatically declaring one day that my body can only MAKE a little girl and it will chomp on the Y chromosomes...have been telling me that I should ask for good health and wholeness and well being and not be so preoccupied with little girls, so perhaps this is a big get prepared call on their behalf..oh well perhaps some days my insides werent that hungry for the Y after all)..but yes as parents around me worry over sick babies, I am praying to the Good Lord for forgiveness and good health and temperament for the baby to come...and that it never decides to take a rubber dinghy to arrive on any shore.
Ok coming to the 'naming' bit, funny thing Ive discovered about myself...all my growing up years I wrestled with the 'behenji' name I had been given and always thought that any kids would have some 'hatke' name..you know unusual..perhaps not as unusual as Apple , but well I was DEFINITELY planning to give those Hollywood and Bollywood moms some serious competition. But now that I am in that situation, I am trying to channel names that translate into 'will listen to parents...especially Mommy Dearest...diligent student, go to school, go straight to school, do not pass shopping mall, do not develop attitude'...you know the kind who sits quietly in class, will win Sword of Honour, or do a 'steady' job, Gman hopes paediatrician...anyways though Gman shares similar hopes as me, the name that he has suggested conjures a hell raiser in school, career in rock and roll, women and masti magic. NO NO NO...to win some votes he shared it with Ms Niece and my sister over the phone , and when I grabbed the phone I could hear them giggling and oohing and aahing (and the Younger Musketeer saying something along the lines of I Like the Names this Man Suggests, definitely not Khalajee's...my recent contribution has been Jawaad and Gul Sher...definitely not the kind of kids a teacher should suspect of being up to any mischief, right?) and then my sister shushed up Ms Niece as she whispered, Oh I can just imagine him being a teenager and we will put spikes in his hair, to which I said all suspicious "What did your daughter say?" and my sister covers up "No no she is just saying how he will grow up and say all his namaz".Hmmmphhh.
More on this and other things that are bothering me coming up soon.