Friday, April 03, 2009
Two months with You
When you were but an idea I would think of a day in future when I would be chronicling your ups and downs...unfortunately you are growing up in a time where the madness that has taken over my world has eclipsed all your quirks. I also realise that you are growing up in unusual times and perhaps it is best I forget what the books say and come up with a 'model' which is our own. I have a group of remarkable women who are backing me up and I cant wait till you meet them and hopefully thank them for allowing us to break the rules. We have already concluded that we will do away with good ol' Spock and his disdain for the ways of the "Third World" and lack of individualism. Your grand mother will despair that I am raising you as a 'villager' (we will not get into a debate on the burden of the post-colonial at this stage)but something tells me it will make you stronger and happier and as one clever woman has told me save you from years of therapy! So the cot and your daytime crib will only be visited when you are comfortable...it can be a 'holding area' for your cot toys and blankets and the hand mitts that you refuse to wear. We will demand feed and Im hoping that you will grow up to have a healthy relationship to food.
This month you attended your first book launch and made a group of jaded academics laugh and be a wee bit more optimistic about the world for a few hours...you also surprised me by spending a whole evening this Thursday without me with your father, there were no tantrums, you didnt go hungry (so my brief episode of sheer panic and tears during the coffee break was quite unncessary)and I guess this means you stay home rather than coming to uni on Thursdays.
There was a week when I was overwhelmed by the nitty-grittiness of raising you...I feel confused and guilty when I worry about your not sleeping when and where you should and by your neediness. This as these problems dwarf in the face of the enormity of the crisis that has gripped my part of the world.
I realise (and have been reminded) that you are but one of a million other souls who came into this world the same day and a very wise woman has cautioned me to stop fretting about the 'little stuff' as there will be a million other moms also marking the same milestones, fretting about the same things. But it goes to your credit that you melt my hardened heart...last night as you lay besides me on my pillow and and cooed and giggled me into opening my eyes (Cmon, I am not buying you have gone to sleep and there is no forcing me into taking a nap)I laughed as I have not in many days..and I prayed fervently that some where out there where the madness rules other sweet souls are making their mothers forget their pain for a moment too.
May you grow up to a happier world and may none of the demons that visit me cross your door step.
all my prayers and more.