Coming Up Lilies!!!
Forgive me for being late with my "monthly" letter AGAIN...but you have to admit I am improving...just a day late this time around, and Im pretty sure its the 31st somewhere in the world as I write.
Ok for your birthday present this month a confession...when you were a month and some days old and it was my first day back at work, I ran from the car and didn't even look back. After a month of being housebound and you clawing at me, I was thrilled at the prospect of having three hours every Thursday when I could guzzle coffee to my heart's content and have no baby tugging at my breast. I was surprised by my attitude for I had been pretty sure in the days when you were a "site under construction" that I would be double-minded about going back to work..however as we started getting closer to welcoming you to the world I was pretty keen to tell myself and the world that nothing had changed with Aneela, and it would be business as usual.
You are four months today and frankly it is becoming very difficult to tear myself away from you. Like other mommy bloggers I make a long list of things to do while you nap or play at your baby gym, but when the time comes all I want to do is look at you smile in your sleep or bat crazily at your toys (there is a dormant boxer in you, lets see how keen you are about it when you grow up). And last Thursday as I passed the cafe on my way to work I didnt even have the heart to go in. Lately I have started worrying about you for things touch wood are going so great. Gman tells me to relax, that I was equally stressed about Pesho a while ago, particularly whether she would make the transition from "apartment cat in the city" to "cat in the sticks with access to backyard". Now as we watch Pesho chase away all the cats from the backyard, and stare down the dogs through the fence (a proud Gman tells me "isko tau Australian immigration may hona chahiye, doesnt even let a fly invade her territory") I tell myself perhaps you too will survive all the craziness we are putting you through. And then there are days when I wonder whether Im putting you through too much too soon? whether you are happy? safe? am I hovering too much over you? should I be checking whether you are breathing every time you are too quiet? I don't think I will ever know the answers to all this and the many other questions that keep on popping in my mind. But I do know one thing for sure, that this not the time to complicate my life further, so Ive decided to stick to just my one class and not take on my other responsibilities next term. And Im pretty sure about this. Frankly sweetheart this is more for me than for you. That's the scariest thing of all. This is not going to be one of those "see what I have to give up for my son" lament to Gman or a "And for you I did this" guilt trip Im going to put you through when you grow up..its more of a permission to indulge myself with the "gift of baby's company", I don't think you will understand my decision for a long long time. All I can say, is for you a million times...coffee may aisa kiya khak nasha
All my love,