Sunday, December 23, 2012

Ek Tu Hi Bharosa

who knew that the world was so eager to prove the mayans right?
that we were so eager to reach deep within the recesses of the horizon to drag a canopy of qayamat over our world?
that we would conspire with the timekeepers to speed up an era of kalyug?

Well we know now

2012 was the year when I had planned to be less concerned about what was happening outside my door ..Sorry.

I made myself comfortable in my home rationed the outside world had been selfish about meeting people never bought a TV when I moved to India (january will mark 12 months of being TV free..well we are not Amish we would watch TV when we were in a hotel but you know what I mean) resisted the temptation to rant at the newspaper steeled my heart to all the bombs blasts blunders. This was a year when I would hold your hand and tell you "I am sorry for your loss"but move on not allowing my thoughts to linger. Willing myself the world is a lost cause and I need to choose your battles

I also decided to do a Julie Julia project of my own
If we are what we eat what would it be like to cook one meal (or two) each day from the kitchen of someone I loved once and then kind of brain washed myself to lose (a former guru)

And trained the boy to be a fairly decent sous chef

But that is not how the world works

The world is sneaky

It creeps under the door even when you have bolted it shut

It will tap at the windows and force you to look up

And it will park itself across the road from you 

Read about Delhi and you will know

And something else happened last month

A young man trying to escape a burning building in Karachi hung from a window ledge for hours before plunging to his death while people just looked up and stared

Mohammad Hanif (as ever) wrote a beautiful op/ed about the anguish of living in times when people know only how to look up at the heavens hands outstretched and not have the initiative (or wits) to take matters in their own hand (or words to that effect) The incident happened next to a whole sale cloth market. No one ran away  to grab a carpet, or a bed sheet or a mattress and hold it up. For you know we would rather stare at the skies dumb founded.

And this is my dilemma 

I CANNOT now withdraw myself from the world you see

for damn it

That could be my kid on the ledge one day 

And I have to continue shaking up the world from its shoulders just enough so someone is out there to hold him when he falls

We are altruistic with just the right tadka of selfishness

And then for all the terrible terrible foolish things I did as a young woman 

for all the risks I took on and escape unscathed

And that today my class provides a rape suraksha kavach  , so I can afford to be oblivious not "aware", dressed for comfort not a character certificate, can forget to look at the watch forget my chaperon and mobile...

so when the arrows rained down, for rain down they will, they felled  someone who did everything right.

So I cant give myself permission to stay in

This Saturday Arhaan had a Christmas party at school
and so thrilled was I to get a weekend reprieve and an extra three hours Child Free I must have been one of the first parents to drop him off
I was so early that most of the staff was yet to arrive (forget Santa) 
So as I was leaving his class room and looked back over my shoulder I could see the Bathroom Didis entering the building
And watched them touch the door step that leads into the bathroom  kiss their fingers then touch their heary their eyes  closed with great reverence
And dear Reader I was shaken to my core
I think of myself most days 
Though every day is a "working day" I am still programmed to paint my Monday a Monday Blue
I will squabble with my husband over "who works more"
I nod understandingly as friends bitch about their work place
All of our popular culture reference are about shitty work places
And here is someone who will spend her whole day actually cleaning up my kid's shitty bum
And she treats it like worship
Made you go Awww no?
My husband when I told him did shrug his shoulders and pacified me with a Yara For Them Their Work Sustains Them Ghar Chalta Hai
As if our salary slip doesnt?
It has been that kind of month
One quick punch in the guts after another

And then something else happened. The other morning when the boy and me had another run of "I Love You Baby I Love You Mama Oh Why Do You Love Me Baby" rather than his stock answer "But I love Baba?" or "I only love you in summers" he said he loved me "For All Your People You Bring Home And My Friends" And I decided to list friends some old some new who visited our home this year, shared a meal, spent a week. People  who I"bring  home  so they become a friend to the boy" for a Facebook post. Turned out the final number was 31. And I think of Nur Jehan tip toeing around the subject of her paramours and then once people suggest names and she hems and haws and the list grows and grow so she throws up her hands and says all exasperated Na Na Karde Vi 17 Hogaye
so I have been a very bad recluse too!

And as I leave on my annual Southern Hemisphere sojourn
And it will be next year we meet

Lets get Lata to work her magic
(though I have to still make up mind about her after all her eulogies for the dear departed Thakeray)

But there is no denying Lata and A R Rahman have been a balm for my sore soul

This is also lovely even though over here we have to ignore Danny Dengzopa's Amanullah Khan in the clip

Keep Calm
It is just sad that at times Keeping Kaam Se Kaam doesnt help
We have to meddle in
For you know otherwise the crazies win


  1. Those last 4 lines. Vintage Aneela! Wish you a good new year for you know superlatives are for people less cynical than me.

  2. Mashallah, an interesting post. Seems your boy is going to become a good chef as he grows. Yes, sometims TV free life is more soothing.

    Would like to share my posts and poems from my blog

    You are right, Dilli door nahin ast.

  3. What a post, Aneela. You don't know how beautifully you have summed up the state of my mind and most likely that of many others.

  4. "Kaam se kaam doesnt help."
    So true!


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